The school Christmas nativity play – the outtakes.

Christmas in a primary school setting is an explosive cracker of utter mayhem and glitter. Imagine 420 under 11s bursting at the seams with pre-Christmas excitement all under one roof – now add Christmas school dinners, Secret Santa, Meet Santa, a festoon of Christmas card and festive decoration making, Christmas discos, raffles, celebration assemblies, mince pies and parents’ events, 8 tonnes of glitter and the Christmas productions complete with sets, costumes and props. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh – and don’t forget, teachers. You still also need to TEACH a timetable of National Curriculum subjects and squeeze in the end of term data drop for analysis or you’ll be given a lump of coal at the staff party!

After almost 20 years in the profession, I have seen my fair share of Christmas nativity plays. Here are top 3 my highlights:

3rd place

The hosts of angels celebrate the coming of the new baby by singing a song on stage dressed in pretty, long white dresses with tinsel and fairy wings. That is except one 4-year-old with a sudden onset of stage fright. She pulled her dress up over her head with her arms aloft holding an inverted angel dress to reveal angels were red pants. And there she remained long after the host were ushered off stage and a good way through the next scene until a teacher could hook her down. It’s hard to see with a dress over your head!

2nd place

The scene is set. Mary and Joseph reach Bethleham amid a “hush” (as much as you can get 418 children to be quiet – and parents to turn off their mobile phones!)… the baby is born. Mary lovingly lifts baby Jesus into her arms. And as Joseph looks on, baby Jesus’ head falls off and rolls under the stage. Mary and Joseph freeze. 418 children gasp – parents even look up from their mobile phones to see Mary cradling headless Jesus! Teachers try to retrieve the head with their feet under the stage. And that’s how football was invented.

1st place

The three wise men come from afar following the Christmas star. They come bearing gifts in their bright robes and golden crowns. The first wise man kneels before the cradle and shouts “I bring gold for baby Jesus.” A gold block is laid by Mary’s feet. There is a bit of a tussle going on between the other wise men. The third wise man is ushered onto stage, kneels before the cradle and inaudibly mutters something and places an object down before staring wildly at the parents. The second wise man finally storms onto stage, throws something towards the cradle and shouts, “Frank sent this” before storming back off stage.

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